बुद्ध

Summary

The text follows a man in a state of extreme exhaustion and mental distress after a frustrating visit to a hospital, where he failed to obtain a report. He feels physically drained, his shirt soaked with sweat, and his mind blank. He contemplates sitting in the middle of the road to cause a traffic jam, but dismisses the idea as futile. He then wishes for his own death before his son, Kush, grows up, and considers tearing up the receipt for the report. A wave of self-pity reminds him of childhood, when he would tear up notebooks to avoid answering questions. He checks his watch and realizes he cannot reach the office in time, but hesitates to spend three rupees on a taxi, which represents a third of his daily wage. He decides to call in sick and spend the day at a tea stall, though he finds the phrase "sips of tea" vulgar. He feels a sense of relief and self-congratulation for making a quick decision, but questions whether this is genuine change or an admission of defeat. He reflects on his past judgments of others for seeking small comforts, and recalls catching himself doing similar things. He remembers a childhood belief that beyond a railway gate, the earth and sky merged, and no one could go there. He associates this with his later tendency to imagine a halo behind his head during moments of self-absorption. He worries he might be becoming indifferent to Kush's potential disability, but reassures himself he will continue to struggle for his son. He rationalizes his suffering as a necessary part of life in India, and begins to advocate for self-criticism. He searches for a familiar tea stall, but finds it replaced by new buildings. He recalls the "Amjadia" building, once a room of the Khilafat Committee, and a childhood memory of a Muslim Leaguer who visited his father. He feels a surge of self-absorption and decides to indulge in pleasant thoughts, but then criticizes himself for being childish and stuck in a literary, melodramatic mindset.